Original Musings by Kerry Gleason

Archive for the ‘Javalina Humor’ Category

Florida Bound: Meet the New Sidekick


If you followed my other travel blogs, you will know that I have traveled with a sidekick who incited a little mayhem and created some adventures that were fairly hysterical.  If you haven’t read them, you must read about the Frog Angel.  He/She/It took off after the trip to Colorado, but at last report, the frog is in Prague writing a blog.  In a bog.

For this round of travels, I staged a tryout.  Participants came from near and far.  My travel partner made it in just in time for, um, wings and she has been eagerly traipsing around Denver with me, leading up to the Florida road trip.

Meet Luna, the snowy owl from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.

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Luna Trix

Name: Luna Trix

Species: Snow owl

Hometown: Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, Canada

Favorite Music: Hootenanny, Paul McCartney and Wings, The Eagles, The Byrds, Alvin and the Chipmunks (see Favorite Food)

Favorite Movies: The Birds, The Maltese Falcon, The Owl and the Pussycat

Favorite TV Show: Dr. Who

Special Powers: Keen Vision. Can see into the future. Very wise. Smart-Alecky.

Favorite food: Lemmings, Lemming Meringue Pie, Alvin and the Chipmunks (“They were delicious!”)

Favorite Actor: Arnold Schwarzenegger, when he says “Owl Be Back”

Favorite Christmas Carol: “Owl Be Home for Christmas”

Turn Ons: Staying up late at night, and David Hasselhoff

Turn Offs: Nursery Rhymes about the mass slaughter of feathered creatures, such as cooking blackbirds in a pie

*  *  *

At my Colorado wingfest sendoff, Luna posed with friends:

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With Peter Illig and Holly MacGregor

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With Mike Hance (seated) and Nicholas Lubofsky

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With Terri Saunders and Craig Moody

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With Joe and Monica Vondruska

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With the Norrises

 

 

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Luna at the Garden of the Gods in Colorado. The family that preys together stays together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Adventure of the Day: Dinosaur Ridge


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This is an image of a herbivorous dinosaur, the apatosaurus, which traversed the earth more than 200 million years ago near Red Rocks Park and Morrison, Colorado.

Dinosaurs walked the earth less than 10 miles from where I now live in Colorado, with proof at Dinosaur Ridge, just east of the Red Rocks Amphitheater where many of the world’s finest musicians perform on any given night on any given summer.   Rock stars and real rock stars.  The visitor center seemed small, but it was ample to move adult and midget dinosaur-hunters to guided tours or self-guided tours.  The gift shop is very cool, if you are into rocks, geodes, geology or dinosaurs.  And if you want the real poop on Dinosaur Ridge, well, you can buy it there.

Outside the visitor center was a play area with replicas of the dinosaurs that roamed there more than 250 million years ago.  The Stegosaurus Snack Shack was alluring, but did not feature Stegosaurus-on-a-stick, so I passed.

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The rippled areas in these photos were formerly the sea bed of the Western Interior Seaway, which covered much of the Western half of the United States.

The most surprising thing I learned is that most of Colorado, a semi-arid climate, was once covered by seawater and prehistoric sea life.  So maybe there were real Rocky Mountain Oysters.

As the story goes, reptilian sea monsters of incredible size frolicked in this inland sea before geological disturbances caused the sea to dry up and the Rocky Mountains, as we know them, to jut from the earth.  The area is rich with other geological anomalies, including the massive deposit of Benton Shale, iron-stained rock formations and concretions, which are naturally occurring balls that form in rocks.

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This concretion is visible from the road that splits a cleft in the Dakota Ridge, where the dinosaurs used to roam.

Another geological novelty is the visual remnant of volcanic ash sediment that covered the area millions of years ago.

The highlight of the natural exhibit are the dinosaur tracksite.  More than 300 adult and baby dino tracks have been discovered on the eastern slope, sometimes called the “Dinosaur Freeway.”  This slope was once the sandy beach adjacent to the Western Interior Seaway, and a species called iguanodon migrated freely between what is now Colorado and New Mexico.

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Kerry Gleason at the dinosaur tracksite.

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The Dinosaur Ridge tracks are shaded for visual effect. The Iguanodon who left the tracks ran mostly on their toes, leaving distinguishable fossil imprints. Often, these quadrupeds moved upright, using only their hind legs.

As you cross through a cleft in the Dakota Ridge to the west side, numerous geological oddities present themselves.  In the layers of rock sediment, a three-inch thick white stripe identifies a point in the timeline when the area was covered in volcanic ash.

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Volcanoes in Colorado? Apparently so, many millions of years ago. The white stripe in the sediment indicates an era where this region was covered in volcanic ash. I’m pretty sure it was reported on KUSA.

Further along the western slope is where the prehistoric deer and apatosaurus played.  Enough bones were found in the Morrison range to create accurate anatomical evidence of the apatosaurus, allosaurus and stegosaurus.  The actual bones are displayed at the Peabody Museum in Boston, since the primary discoverers were from the geology department at Yale University.   Some of the petrified bones remain embedded in the mountainside.  I was able to touch a stegosaurus hip and protective bony spike.  Later, as school-aged children touched the remains, a tour guide revealed that they are radioactive.  Isn’t this how comic-book superheroes are born?

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Stegosaurus bones, the official state fossil of Colorado and the reason for the purple dinosaur mascot for the Colorado Rockies. The bones are darker than the surrounding rock. The bone matter is glossy and slick-feeling compared to the sandstone.

Many of the dinosaur tracks and fossil remains were discovered in the 1800s, and more were unearthed in the 1940s when the mountainside was excavated to build the road.  The Morrison site, now officially known by the USGS as Dinosaur Ridge, is the most significant dinosaur find in North America, excluding Friday nights at the Old Country Buffet..

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A crosscut section of a dinosaur bone (circular, at left) is embedded in the rock.

In the early 1800s, dinosaur remains were discovered by a farmer named Moody near the Rooney farm.  Then, in 1877, a Colorado geologist named Arthur Lakes made the most significant dinosaur bone finds.   In the past decade, Barry Manilow’s orthopedic surgeon performed a hip replacement surgery and discovered bones older than those in Morrison, but that doesn’t diminish the Dinosaur Ridge legend.

The Dinosaur Ridge lore includes a story of larceny and suspense.  After the dinosaur tracksite was discovered in the 1940s, nothing happened.  They were left unprotected for three decades.  In that time, one of the dinosaur fossils was chiseled from the earth, in every sense of the word.  It was stolen.  Efforts to find the missing relic failed.  In the past two years, the dino footprint was returned to its rightful owners.

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One dinosaur track was chiseled from the earth and later found being used as a doorstop at Colorado State University in Fort Collins.

The pilfered prehistoric property was being used as a doorstop in a dormitory at Colorado State University.  More than fifty years later, the relic was turned into the natural sciences department at the college. After collecting dust there for a few years, it was returned to Dinosaur Ridge about a year ago.  Damn college kids!

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Wildflowers and flying critters. The Dakota Trail is also a haven for raptors — hawks, falcons, eagles and vultures.

ImageThe entire hike was about 2.4 miles.  My Achilles tendon was screaming afterward, but it was an enjoyable, enlightening afternoon.  I did not visit the Triceratops Trail in Golden.  That will be an adventure for another day.

Behind the Story: To Have, To Hold, For Here, To Go


Several stories were in the incubator but none was ready for prime time. I took my car to the shop for a tire repair, and found the idea of sitting in the waiting room at Goodyear Tire reprehensible. I limped next door to the Arby’s thinking it would be a good place to read through some literature that I was considering for the next great screenplay. It wasn’t working for me.

 

THTHFHTG_thumbThen, it happened. The old man sitting at the table next to me started complaining about not getting a napkin with his sandwich. It was so pure, so genuine, that he struck me immediately as a character for one of my fictional pursuits. He was indeed wearing a suit, and he was, indeed, on a date. I did, indeed, offer him a few napkins. This man stuck in my mind the rest of the day.

 

I fell in love with the idea of two people falling in love – or not – at Arby’s. I think people will like my Norman character.

 

“To Have, To Hold, For Here, To Go” is available as a Kindle download.

Whole Foods… Really?


Whole Foods, Inc., headquartered in Austin, Texas, came under scrutiny this week by the Federal Trade Commission because not all its retail offerings are whole and uncompromised. Edward Blechquist, a chief investigator for the FTC, cited video and photographic evidence that the supermarket chain sells pear halves, halved watermelons, organic half-and-half and half gallons of many products.

A company spokesperson responded to the charge, saying, “Who is this lunatic?”

World’s Helium Supply Depleted By Munchkin Imitators


Scientists worry that helium inhalers are wasting the precious element.

The world’s supply of helium, popular for dirigibles and party balloons, may be eviscerated in less than 30 years, according to extensive studies by the World Helium Research Center in North Woodchester, England. A panel of world experts unveiled charts and a very serious PowerPoint presentation that they delivered, remarkably without breaking into laughter and giggles.

The chief reason for the crisis, said Professor Percy Dumbledore, dean of the Lilliput Academy of Elemental Sciences, was “those assholes who inhale the stuff just to sound like funny Munchkins.” He used scientific terminology to claim they were imbibing the valuable gas “like it was common nitrogen.”

Charley Bubbles, proctor of the Clown College in Wausau, Wisconsin, responded to the claim in a high-pitched, squeaky, helium-induced voice, saying “So?” adding, “It always gets a laugh.”

Charles Hillendale, professor emeritus at Cornell University and author of more than 30 books about helium, said, “It’s those damn party balloons, car dealerships and apartment complexes that are creating the shortage. The bigger issue is what we do with the Periodic Table of Elements. We’re gonna have a big, gaping hole at number two. Does that sound like a reason for a party?”

Experts from the helium think-tank recommended against developing synthetic helium, as it might throw the earth off its axis and create an overabundance of explosive gases.  Experts at the Clown College disagreed before passing out.

Cheesecake Factory revamps Menu, Eliminates Cheesecake


The Cheesecake Factory's revamped menu will be devoid of expensive-to-make cheesecakes, which will be replaced with fruity pastries.

The Beverly Hills, Calif.-based upscale restaurant chain, The Cheesecake Factory, has announced menu revisions, and it will no longer offer cheesecake in its 170 locations. Company spokesman Melissa Goodness explained the corporate decision at a shareholders’ meeting Monday morning.

“Cheesecake is really expensive to make. And people sit there forever trying to decide if they want the fattening calories. Instead, we’re going to offer pies. And maybe some fruit cobblers.”

She also cited the storehouses of unsold Cheesecake Factory cheesecakes, which rapidly become “rubbery.” The Cheesecake Factory did not announce any intention of changing it’s name.

“Sorry,” Ms. Goodness concluded.

New Metrics


I went out to eat tonight with a guy who stunned the wait-staff by demanding — not asking, but demanding — “a shit-ton of ketchup.”  Three servers were delivering our burgers and fries and they stopped, as if paralyzed by phasers on stun.  A bottle of ketchup, about 3/4 full, was already on the table.  Our server, Jerry Lewis, quickly grabbed a half-full bottle of tomato-ey goodness from an empty table, and set it down.

“There!” he said, assuming that he had pleased his guest.  For crying out loud, he ordered a burger and fries, so how much ketchup could he possibly need?

“That’s not enough.  I need a shit-ton!”

The young lady behind me, who seemed to be a manager of sorts, repeated, “A shit-ton!  I don’t know if we even have a shit-ton.  Let me see what we can do.”  To a third server, she said, “Go see if you can find a shit-ton of ketchup.”

“How much is a shit-ton?” the server asked.

“I don’t know.  We usually order it by the case.”

The waiter retreated to the kitchen, one of those open ones where you can kind of see them prepare the food, but not really.  From the pass-through window, everyone in the restaurant could hear the cook’s loud, bellowing reply in richly colorful language, sprinkled with a repetition of the term “shit-ton” and punctuated with the crashing of kitchen utensils.

The waiter returned sheepishly to the table bearing three more partial bottles of ketchup.  I detected a contusion on his forehead above his right eye.  The five partially filled bottles seemed to  satisfy my friend.  We were a little put off that the wait-staff was unaware of the universal standard of weights and measures known as a shit-ton.  The Urban Dictionary defines it thusly:

Shit-ton:  Defined literally as 20 hundredshits, where one hundredshit equals 112 shits in the Imperial System (long or gross hundredshit) and 100 shits in the U.S. System (short or net hundredshit). Furthermore, a shit-ton-force refers to 2,000 shit forces, which is a hell of a lot (i.e. a shit-ton) of Newtons.
Example:  “We just received a shit-ton of corned beef from Europe.”

Buy stock in Heinz? Absolutely!

Hockey and Justice: The Burrows Debacle


Game One of the 2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs between the Boston Bruins and Vancouver Canucks was classic, and one of the best ever.  It ended 1-0, with the lone goal being scored by the Canucks’ Raffe Torres after 59:41.5 of gut-wrenching gritty play and both teams being thwarted by outstanding goaltending theatrics.   The event of the first period would become the burning topic for the next 48 hours.

Alexandre Burrows bites Patrice Bergeron

In a little pushing match behind the Boston net, Patrice Bergeron and Alexandre Burrows put their gloves in each others’ face.  Burrows inexplicably bit the Bergeron’s finger through his gloved hand, drawing blood.  Bergeron pleaded his case to the officials on ice, which should have earned Burrows a game misconduct and possible suspension, but they chose to ignore it.

Despite the fact the incident was captured on national network TV, a luxury for pro hockey in this country, league officials claimed there was no evidence to suspend Burrows for one game.  A precedence for the biting suspension was set in 2009, when Jarkko Ruutu of Ottawa was suspended for biting Buffalo Sabre Andrew Peter’s thumb.  Ruutu was suspended one game and fined $37,707.

Game Two commenced, and ended in a 3-2 overtime victory for the Canucks.  Burrows scored two goals and added an assist in a game that he should not have been allowed to participate.  I was surprised at how vehemently NBC commentators Mike Milbury and Keith Jones criticized the league for its cowardly non-decision.  Milbury was even more steamed over a taunting incident where Maxim Lapierre tried to stick his gloved finger in Bergeron’s mouth, mocking the integrity of the game.

I had indicated surprise that any player had enough teeth to bite another, and joked that Burrows said Bergeron tasted just like chicken, and that every restaurant in Canada would be promoting chicken fingers on their menus.  The only chickens in this whole affair are in the executive offices of the NHL.

The league turned a blind eye to the incident in a cowardly fashion, indeed.  But I believe that in hockey, indiscretions are often worked out between the boards and not in some Toronto board room.  Shame on the league for not taking a bite out of crime.  But even more shame to the Boston Bruins for not making Burrows pay on the ice for his indiscretion.  They should have dogged Burrows on the ice with a Sean Thornton (who was scratched from the contest) or Milan Lucic or the completely dispensible Andrew Ference and crushed him.  Or at the very least send him a message.  Boston did not.

Now, down 2-0 in the series, Boston faces a thoroughly uphill battle to earn its first Stanley Cup in 39 years.  If they fail, they cannot blame the lame administration of the league.  They can blame only themselves.

Iowa. The Land of…


Illinois is “The Land of Lincoln.”

Iowa?  It’s the land of complimentary dog treats!

Man Fixes Rig with a Hammer


Knock 3 times...

Outside a Starbucks in Michigan City, Ind., a man exited the coffee shop with his fru-fru latte, grabbed a hammer and whacked his rig three times. Here, he ponders his work, and when all was said and done, the engine started immediately.

In a related story, the movie “Thor” is playing in theatres across the country.