Whole Foods… Really?

Whole Foods, Inc., headquartered in Austin, Texas, came under scrutiny this week by the Federal Trade Commission because not all its retail offerings are whole and uncompromised. Edward Blechquist, a chief investigator for the FTC, cited video and photographic evidence that the supermarket chain sells pear halves, halved watermelons, organic half-and-half and half gallons of many products.

A company spokesperson responded to the charge, saying, “Who is this lunatic?”

World’s Helium Supply Depleted By Munchkin Imitators

Scientists worry that helium inhalers are wasting the precious element.

The world’s supply of helium, popular for dirigibles and party balloons, may be eviscerated in less than 30 years, according to extensive studies by the World Helium Research Center in North Woodchester, England. A panel of world experts unveiled charts and a very serious PowerPoint presentation that they delivered, remarkably without breaking into laughter and giggles.

The chief reason for the crisis, said Professor Percy Dumbledore, dean of the Lilliput Academy of Elemental Sciences, was “those assholes who inhale the stuff just to sound like funny Munchkins.” He used scientific terminology to claim they were imbibing the valuable gas “like it was common nitrogen.”

Charley Bubbles, proctor of the Clown College in Wausau, Wisconsin, responded to the claim in a high-pitched, squeaky, helium-induced voice, saying “So?” adding, “It always gets a laugh.”

Charles Hillendale, professor emeritus at Cornell University and author of more than 30 books about helium, said, “It’s those damn party balloons, car dealerships and apartment complexes that are creating the shortage. The bigger issue is what we do with the Periodic Table of Elements. We’re gonna have a big, gaping hole at number two. Does that sound like a reason for a party?”

Experts from the helium think-tank recommended against developing synthetic helium, as it might throw the earth off its axis and create an overabundance of explosive gases.  Experts at the Clown College disagreed before passing out.

Cheesecake Factory revamps Menu, Eliminates Cheesecake

The Cheesecake Factory's revamped menu will be devoid of expensive-to-make cheesecakes, which will be replaced with fruity pastries.

The Beverly Hills, Calif.-based upscale restaurant chain, The Cheesecake Factory, has announced menu revisions, and it will no longer offer cheesecake in its 170 locations. Company spokesman Melissa Goodness explained the corporate decision at a shareholders’ meeting Monday morning.

“Cheesecake is really expensive to make. And people sit there forever trying to decide if they want the fattening calories. Instead, we’re going to offer pies. And maybe some fruit cobblers.”

She also cited the storehouses of unsold Cheesecake Factory cheesecakes, which rapidly become “rubbery.” The Cheesecake Factory did not announce any intention of changing it’s name.

“Sorry,” Ms. Goodness concluded.

Character Notes: Angels & Enemies — The Dogs

While mankind perceives itself as king of the beasts, in Biblical terms, we are but shepherds. Every animal is imbued with strengths and weaknesses that differentiate them in the animal kingdom.

I have tried to assign strength and power and dignity to my animals in my novel, Angels & Enemies.  No divine powers are more overt in its pages than those of the dogs.  I have long believed that the innocence of dogs is a manifestation of angelic presence in our lives. Until we train them otherwise, they seem to be a source of unconditional love, loyalty and comfort that arise from God’s proclivity to show his love for man.

That is not to say that dogs cannot be mean or vicious.  Evil can take any form, and does. In their natural state of innocence, dogs pose no threat of evil.  Without going off-tangent too far, I believe the same of cats and other domestic pets and animals. In Angels & Enemies, there are no cats, per se, other than a mountain lion.  It could be argued that even the lion is trying to sway the direction of a man who has deviated from a righteous path. I don’t feel inclined to show cats as an early warning signal for evil, as knowing cats, they might just stand by, curious, watching mankind’s reaction.  But who knows? If there’s a sequel, anything is possible.

In an early scene, a dog on a leash signals a diabolic presence with its barking and snarling.  It’s owner restrains her, befuddled by her behavior. She never acts like this, he apologizes, pulling her away. The demon comments, “I hate those dogs,” imparting not only his view of that particular breed of dog, but all dogs in general. This demon, and other, trigger  instantaneous reactions from dogs, as the canines communicate in their own way, through their third eye blind, an impending danger. It is their duty, as charged by the angels, to protect men from that which they cannot see.

I will talk about it further, but when I created heaven, I placed a garden of the Innocents very close to the presence of God, because the sound of children’s laughter and dogs barking was pleasing to Him. Later, as fallen angels disrupt the harmony of the universe, the dogs of heaven take to barking at a sinister presence, and God is displeased. In part, it is the barking of the dogs that initiates the response of the angels.

One of the more disturbing scenes I wrote briefly describes a demon in the midst of battle, which is so antagonized by a dog that she snaps its neck. I agonized writing it, although it was only a few sentences. I felt it was important to show the cowardice of evil as it lashed out at innocence, which apparently poses a virulent threat by its mere presence, and undefined, unspoken pact with God.

Angels & Enemies is a powerful supernatural suspense novel about spiritual warfare in the present-day, mundane world.   I am seeking representation and guidance in publishing this, my first novel.  My belief is that the book will be available on shelves in the near future.  Your comments are welcomed and appreciated.